Piece 1: The Spiritual Part
The last week has been super fun, super challenging, and has absolutely kicked my butt. At the beginning of last week, like around the 10th, I was coming off of a super spiritual weekend. I spent some time surrounded by the stars and nature on a farm in the middle of Iowa with some friends. Tons of reflection, tons of meditation, and tons of deep understanding soaking into my conscious awareness. While I was oh so thankful for this experience, a lot of the personal realizations that I came to required so much soaking in. I found myself dazed and confused at the beginning of last week, trying to find my footing. I was breaking free from old, worn out ways of being, but was still connected to those ways at a deep level. I have felt my mind and my higher self moving forward, becoming what I was manifested to be; breaking free from a chrysalis with a brave new form and new wings. However, for the last several months, my subconscious, habitual way of being has been so, so slow to catch up to the program. This is what I mean when I refer to spiritual work. It is a constant battle of trying to dig deeper within yourself to bring out that little pooped out piece of you that is no longer in control of reality. That being said, that little piece is still very much a part of us. It is our job to shine light on it, to cuddle it, to comfort it, to let it know that it did such a good job of being afraid, of protecting, of being angry, etc. It is our job to let it know that it is welcome to come along with us on our journey, but that we are in charge now. To reiterate, We is me. My higher-self, my true self. That other piece is what I refer to as my little-ego-zach-dude. We all have a little-ego-[your name here]-dude.
So as it goes, I was dealing with all of this stuff at the same time I was tackling a very busy week. I tried my best to remain present, to direct laser focus to my tasks at hand, and did my best to allow all of my intense emotions to flow and to happen as they wished. I have a lot of tips for being able to do this, I hope to share them sometime. What made my week particularly hard was that due to all I was working through on a personal level, I got hardly ANY SLEEP. I was waking up nearly every hour, couldn’t fall back asleep, and the sleep I did get was trash, lol. Needless to say, I had to try my hardest last week to not be a whiny little child (which I absolutely was when I was by myself haha).
So this was part one of my little recap of my recent life experience. As I sit here now, I am very much at piece with all I have learned and the growth I have experienced. For the past 7 years I have not had the tiniest bit of belief in a Universal Spirit or any semblance of faith. It is really cool to be where I am now, with absolute certainty that there is a beautiful, loving, caring mother of the earth watching over me, working with me, co-creating with me. I do not believe in any kind of organized religion, however after the religious studying I have done, through meditation, and through personal experiences, I have come to the conclusion that I do believe in a little bit of most religions. I believe in the concept of Gaia, I believe in reincarnation, I believe in energy and many, many of the aspects of most eastern religions, I believe in many of the teachings in the new testament and the teachings of Jesus Christ, I believe in astrology, and I absolutely believe in science. My beliefs are a complete overlap of the common core of most religions that I have studied. To me, however, I think it is most important that I note that I do not believe that God is anyone/thing I am constantly trying to appease. I believe that I am a God, a Goddess, the Divine. I believe that she is in each and every one of us, and that we are direct manifestations of her, put into these physical bodies to enjoy this experience and to co-create with the greatest, most nourishing, loving source of light that exists. When I talk to her, I address her as mom. I talk to her like I am 10 years old, asking random questions as we stroll through the supermarket. When I get too excited, it is literally like “mom, mom, mom!” At which point she tells me to calm down, to practice patience, and to work on finding stillness. I am at a point where I struggle with a fear of sounding dogmatic, but trust me I do not intend to be. I do not plan to impose any of what I believe onto anyone else, but what I have found is truly beautiful. I feel as though I am an actual child of mother earth and I am able to communicate with her whenever I please. So far as I can tell, I have simply been guided to this path to be a light to this world and to find the fullest expression of my soul. The beliefs I hold true to my heart right now were not the beliefs I held at the beginning of the year. I didn’t hold any beliefs. All I can say is, after being raised in a Christian household, and being completely robbed of a spiritual experience that I actually connected with, it feels really good to understands what it means to say that I have a relationship with God. A relationship with Gaia. A relationship with Mom.