Ya know, life has been extremely crazy for me this year. Since I started this blog, I have literally transformed into even more of a different person. Not a different person, but I have absolutely melted deeper into my own self. Those that know me can attest to the fact that this year has been the most transformational period of time in my whole life. I have changed my values, my gender identity, my career, and my entire lifestyle. Due to this I have been feeling such an intense need to redefine who I am to the public. I just want everyone to know who I am now, to know that I am not who I used to be; but I guess I am what I do, right? The weird thing is that at the same time I have been struggling with keeping this blog active. Even though this blog only has two followers, I get trapped from expressing all that I express in my head, due to fear of self-expression. I have had about enough of that fear! A little piece on some of my thoughts here:
In my time as a manager – I am going to sidebar quick to say that I will bring up my career as a manager many times while I account my life experiences. I was 18 years old and running a $2,000,000/year company. I do not give myself credit for how crazy this is. I always feel the need to apologize for bringing it up, but ya know, I am not sorry. Having that much responsibility at such a young age largely impacted me, and played a huge role in molding the person that is typing this blog post right now, anyways- I was constantly surrounded by others my age that were participating in activities and student life at the University of Iowa. I was never envious, because I had deliberately chosen the life I was living at that point in time, but what I was doing was constantly engraining a sense of being ‘othered’ into my subconscious. I was always telling people that I was not a student, that I could not attend certain events due to this, or just making myself feel different at every turn. Part of me was doing this because my ego was larger than my frickin head at the time, and I felt a need to make sure that everyyyyyone knew how important and successful I was, lol. This affected me in ways I didn’t really realize until recently, however. For months I have been trying to burn through this feeling of not belonging to the groups I want to get involved with. I have been trying to figure out why I didn’t feel welcome, and the realization that I was the only one telling me that I was not welcome finally hit me. God Bless.
The real point in this post is to do what I mentioned at the beginning of this post, redefine myself. I would like my intentions to be clear going forward so I may float gently into my new life and towards my ultimate life goals. In my previous post I mentioned how my life is currently structured. I have structured my life the way it currently is for very specific reasons.
I have vast amounts of energy available to me for helping others. I really want to spread a positive message to people, spreading mindfulness and awareness of the fact that each of us deserves to live a happy life; that each of us deserves to have our dreams realized. Our purpose here on earth is to follow our heart, meaning to follow that which makes us truly happy. This is what I mean when I say that we are here to Co-Create with the Universe. We are children of the universe, we are children of creation. It would benefit us to learn to follow our emotional guidance system. It would benefit us all to live life awake. However, for those that are not awake in the way that I mean it, these words are lost. I want to be a strong, independent presence in our world. One that defies society, encourages rebellion against the institutions of oppression in our country, and to assist in curing our culture. I wish to aid in the transformation of a new world, based on humanitarian ideals of universal humanhood. Most importantly, I want to use my distinct communication skills to spread all the positive vibes and ‘hippy bullshit’ that I believe in to those that write it off as mysticism and optimistic foolishness. I want to serve as a filter to the public in order to express the ideas and methods I have envisioned to help our world, in a way that is actually palatable for the majority of people.
At this point I have no doubt that I will begin a career in public service before I am 30. I have begun taking care of myself in amazing ways, in all aspects: mentally, physically, and spiritually. I am pursuing my education with an animal passion. I am doing this so I may become the best version of myself possible for my city, for my state, and for my country. Yes, I want to have a career in politics. But I will never be a politician. I will always be first and foremost a public servant. I think those currently running our country need a refresher on what that actually means.
Every project I have going right now is directly related to my vision for change for our country. As I continue with this blog and discuss my life, I will do my best to explain how!
// All is Love //